1. flood of emotions
    can’t concentrate on a god damn thing
    how can I feel so much
    yet feel so lifeless
    oh to be undead
    but I feel like a corpse
    toss aside that girl
    crying in the corner
    ignore her as I always have
    run to the middle of nowhere
    to go numb from the pain
    become lifeless
    she’s screaming for help
    my head is screaming to bolt
    out the door of my emotions
    and to a place of nothingness
    to disappear
    snowflakes may be unique
    but they blend together when in a crowd
    just as I do
    fading from sight
    and as I allow myself to fade
    that girl I used to know
    terrified and sobbing in the corner
    fades too

  2. can’t quiet those voices in my head
    wish they liked me more
    but they whisper my demise
    pull me down
    self loathing and shame
    take hold like demons
    dragging me to the depths
    of a dark abyss
    crushing me into the black oblivion
    no matter how far I sink
    to the darkness below
    my mind is still free running
    thoughts swimming on the currents
    thought the sea floor
    was peaceful
    but it’s filled
    with creatures of the night
    that swarm me
    silently attacking me
    leaving me in bits
    sinking into the sand

  3. my mind is exhausted
    can’t stop it from running
    wish I could escape
    crazy how thoughts can hold you back
    crazy thoughts that is
    why do I feel so insane?
    what the fuck is wrong with me?
    why do I feel so screwed up?
    train running down a track
    with no end in sight
    I want to be derailed
    because I hate being stuck
    on these tracks
    am I driving?
    can I derail?
    or am I letting my past
    run my life?
    run this loud screaming freight train
    that has no peace in store for me
    maybe I need to jump this
    raging train
    that will run me into the ground

  4. sigh
    let go of what little breath I still have
    ready to just drown
    the pain is suffocating me anyway
    nothing makes sense
    in this blurred life
    I blindly stumble through
    I feel things shouldn’t be this complicated
    why can’t I just shut off
    my continuously running mind
    it’s wearing me down
    I need to run to you
    you’re the only strength I feel I have left
    I feel too weak
    why can’t I just be strong
    sigh

  5. turn the music louder
    to quiet the screaming voices in my own mind
    that tell me I’m no good
    that I’m unworthy
    they penetrate through the dark
    I turn the music even louder
    I just want them to shut up
    self-hatred is weighing me down
    surrounded by the shame
    I can’t take their criticism
    the music just can’t get loud enough
    but I keep turning it just a little louder
    hoping without hope
    that the voices will disappear
    I want to just fade
    I don’t want to be someone else
    but I sure as hell know
    I don’t want to be me
    blast the music and run
    I can’t take it
    please please please
    just let go
    let it all go
    turn the music louder
    bolt out the door

  6. fear of failure
    a giant black monster
    suffocating my ability
    to just let go
    I’m already fighting tears
    that have not even threatened to fall
    terrified that you will see me
    as weak
    I just want comfort
    I need no words
    but I won’t let you close enough
    to see me fall apart
    yet I’m headed for an impending breakdown
    derailed train
    that will inevitably crash
    you can’t hold emotions inside
    for a decade
    without exploding

  7. it’s a solitary road
    for a girl so alone
    afraid of the monsters in her closet
    who are all too real
    that visit her at night
    remind her she’s alone
    that she can’t trust a soul
    once the secrets spill
    they just can’t look at you the same
    she feels tainted
    she traces the scars
    she marred her own body with
    to remind her
    of her worthlessness
    to remind her
    why she keeps everyone at a distance

  8. numb numb numb
    my solution is emotional numbing
    because I’ve made it clear
    with my classic phrase
    “I don’t do emotions”
    how long can I keep this up?
    for the numbness doesn’t last like it used to
    those few sweet moments of black nothingness
    envelope me and I’m safe from myself
    why can’t I hold on a little longer?
    I can feel my mind still running
    soon I’m pulled from the blank empty space
    and thoughts race through my head
    I’m not in the present moment
    but I’m no longer in my safe place
    the memories play like movie clips
    intermixed with the voices that hate me
    thundering in my ears
    I can easily pull myself from the black hole
    but once that memory reel is rolling
    I cannot seem to escape
    that vortex that has sucked me in
    I just want that numbness back
    does it not stay because it’s no longer working?
    I see that innocent girl
    will I forever carry around her pain?
    I suppose you cannot let go
    of a pain you refuse to feel
    what if scenarios flash through my mind
    fear engulfs me
    what if I cannot handle the pain?
    what if it’s too much?
    what if I feel the pain and it doesn’t go away?
    yet I know
    if I don’t dive in
    it will surely never go away
    I wrestle with my thoughts
    on the precipice of a decision
    not sure which way to jump
    not sure if I will fly or fall

  9. I tried to let the sea
    wash away the pain
    believed that with each wave
    it could carry away
    the obsessive thoughts
    that cripple me each day
    waves crashed around yet
    they were not enough
    to wash away the torment
    pull away the pain
    drown it in the dark abyss
    it stayed with me
    sown into the fabric of my life
    I must remove the stitches
    knowing I may bleed
    knowing I may not be fully healed
    but the stitches I originally used
    to close the wounds
    were laced with poisonous self hatred
    and I must remove them to heal
    the sea cannot wash them away
    nor can the millions of empty bottles
    that used to surround me
    here I go
    one stitch at a time
    searing pain of a past
    I am finally willing to face
    to heal with self love
    instead of numb with self hate

  10. ruminating thoughts
    trigger that downward spiral
    into a black hole
    I can’t pull myself out of
    numb
    go numb
    pull away from reality
    you will be safe
    even if only temporarily
    unreality will save you
    save you from yourself
    help you to escape
    because I must
    protect
    protect myself
    because nobody else will
    yet I wonder
    is this even helpful anymore
    or is it just my body’s conditioned response
    for returning to reality
    is quite jarring
    when you’re not even sure where you have been
    unreality
    a safe yet scary place
    to be trapped in
    within your own mind

About me

I'm just an average graduated college student, nothing special or extraordinary. I work with amazing kids with difficult lives. My dream is to simply make a difference in a few lives and if I can do that, than I have done something worth while.
My poetry is all written by me. It is all driven by my personal experiences. I speak out in poetry because it's the only place I can and I speak for those who have not been able to find their voice yet.