1. fear of failure
    a giant black monster
    suffocating my ability
    to just let go
    I’m already fighting tears
    that have not even threatened to fall
    terrified that you will see me
    as weak
    I just want comfort
    I need no words
    but I won’t let you close enough
    to see me fall apart
    yet I’m headed for an impending breakdown
    derailed train
    that will inevitably crash
    you can’t hold emotions inside
    for a decade
    without exploding

  2. it’s a solitary road
    for a girl so alone
    afraid of the monsters in her closet
    who are all too real
    that visit her at night
    remind her she’s alone
    that she can’t trust a soul
    once the secrets spill
    they just can’t look at you the same
    she feels tainted
    she traces the scars
    she marred her own body with
    to remind her
    of her worthlessness
    to remind her
    why she keeps everyone at a distance

  3. numb numb numb
    my solution is emotional numbing
    because I’ve made it clear
    with my classic phrase
    “I don’t do emotions”
    how long can I keep this up?
    for the numbness doesn’t last like it used to
    those few sweet moments of black nothingness
    envelope me and I’m safe from myself
    why can’t I hold on a little longer?
    I can feel my mind still running
    soon I’m pulled from the blank empty space
    and thoughts race through my head
    I’m not in the present moment
    but I’m no longer in my safe place
    the memories play like movie clips
    intermixed with the voices that hate me
    thundering in my ears
    I can easily pull myself from the black hole
    but once that memory reel is rolling
    I cannot seem to escape
    that vortex that has sucked me in
    I just want that numbness back
    does it not stay because it’s no longer working?
    I see that innocent girl
    will I forever carry around her pain?
    I suppose you cannot let go
    of a pain you refuse to feel
    what if scenarios flash through my mind
    fear engulfs me
    what if I cannot handle the pain?
    what if it’s too much?
    what if I feel the pain and it doesn’t go away?
    yet I know
    if I don’t dive in
    it will surely never go away
    I wrestle with my thoughts
    on the precipice of a decision
    not sure which way to jump
    not sure if I will fly or fall

  4. I tried to let the sea
    wash away the pain
    believed that with each wave
    it could carry away
    the obsessive thoughts
    that cripple me each day
    waves crashed around yet
    they were not enough
    to wash away the torment
    pull away the pain
    drown it in the dark abyss
    it stayed with me
    sown into the fabric of my life
    I must remove the stitches
    knowing I may bleed
    knowing I may not be fully healed
    but the stitches I originally used
    to close the wounds
    were laced with poisonous self hatred
    and I must remove them to heal
    the sea cannot wash them away
    nor can the millions of empty bottles
    that used to surround me
    here I go
    one stitch at a time
    searing pain of a past
    I am finally willing to face
    to heal with self love
    instead of numb with self hate

  5. ruminating thoughts
    trigger that downward spiral
    into a black hole
    I can’t pull myself out of
    numb
    go numb
    pull away from reality
    you will be safe
    even if only temporarily
    unreality will save you
    save you from yourself
    help you to escape
    because I must
    protect
    protect myself
    because nobody else will
    yet I wonder
    is this even helpful anymore
    or is it just my body’s conditioned response
    for returning to reality
    is quite jarring
    when you’re not even sure where you have been
    unreality
    a safe yet scary place
    to be trapped in
    within your own mind

  6. Mind Reading

    my obsessive thoughts grab hold
    prying their way into my mind
    a deadly vice grip squeezing my brain
    until I am consumed by them
    I try to read everyone
    so sure I know their thoughts
    constantly worried that they have negative thoughts
    surrounding the kind of person I am
    obsession obsession obsession
    that one sigh means you hate me…
    you’re angry with me…
    you’re frustrated…
    something that reflects poorly on me
    that one look from a girl I don’t even know
    she thinks I’m fat…
    she’s staring because I look disgusting today…
    shake my head
    to shake the thoughts
    but that seems to make more tumble loose
    now every glance, eye roll, breath
    is directed at me and my sad existence
    try so hard but I know you think I’m a failure
    I know what you’re thinking
    I’m a mind reader
    I want to grab the thoughts
    tear them to shreds like some crazed beast
    ripping apart their prey
    they never fade unless I’m numb
    they attack attack attack
    relentlessly
    I shatter
    knowing they are right
    knowing I am worthless

  7. scrub my skin raw
    or just crawl out of it all together
    it doesn’t fit me anyway
    I try to peel it off
    but the blood of shame
    is slick and wet
    I can’t grasp it
    the blood is running in my eyes
    I can’t see a damn thing
    I hate myself
    get it off
    get rid of my skin
    I want to be someone else
    I’m not safe trapped in my own twisted mind
    I want to escape
    but I am fairly certain
    you can’t run from your own thoughts
    everything I see in the mirror
    is everything I hate
    the way she looks
    the way she runs
    the way she hides
    that pathetic look in her eyes
    how is it I can hate myself
    more than I hate you
    when you made me this way

  8. I think I’m becoming a dragon
    my skin has become thick and tough
    from the harsh words of ones who claimed to love me
    my hide is impenetrable
    ask all those who I’ve pushed away
    my words are like venom
    I will shoot them at you like poison darts
    because I refuse to be hunted
    by lies
    I look into your eyes and fear grips me
    fear wakes me up
    and I know I most likely cannot trust any of you
    I’ll hurt you so I can fly away
    to my castle in a dungeon
    far away
    where I hide
    my treasure
    the thoughts that run through my mind
    are buried there and I must protect them
    for nobody will protect me
    yes I’m becoming a dragon
    the last one of her kind
    a fucked up girl in a mystery world
    where tormented emotions
    are pushed into my soul
    until they shoot out as flames
    and burn all those who are too close
    I will not be hurt again
    I will protect myself
    from trusting anyone
    I will not be broken again

  9. you said you would protect me
    you were supposed to wrap your arms around me
    and shield me from the evil of the world
    but you were too busy
    searching for the next bottle
    or closing your eyes to down the one you had a death grip on
    I couldn’t save you
    despite how I tried
    I picked up the pieces
    when you laid on the bathroom floor
    and shielded my baby brother’s innocent eyes
    so he could keep you on that pedestal
    superhero you were
    while I flew beside you in the shadows
    so nobody saw you fall
    I bore the weight of your disease silently
    and I thought I was strong
    but in the blink of an eye
    your disease spread to me
    infecting me like a poison
    crippling me slowly
    so I pick myself up every morning
    so I can pick you up
    make sure you get to work
    that dinner is on the table
    the house is picked up when anyone drops by
    that my baby brother has someone
    to pick him up from school and practice
    to get a gift for that birthday party this weekend
    then I’ll go down another one
    to drown out your stumbling and bumping into things
    to block out your screaming and my own terrible memories
    please stop yelling
    don’t say those things you can’t take back
    please I beg you
    protect me
    don’t turn that hand against me
    that’s suppose to hold me tight
    you’re supposed to right my world
    not tip it upside down when you shove me down the stairs
    but tomorrow your words will linger with me
    playing over and over in my head
    you won’t even remember
    in your hangover stupor
    that you crushed me
    so I will stumble in your footsteps
    begging you to walk straight
    I sadly follow a man who leans for support on another bottle
    so I’ll sneak one away
    you won’t remember how many you had
    or even notice that one of the many is missing
    and I’ll drown my sorrows and pain
    as I have seen you do
    one too many times
    I look in the mirror and cry
    walk a little straighter
    but I can barely stand
    a pathetic excuse of the strong girl I once was

  10. they tell me I’m too young
    to truly understand
    all of life’s troubles
    over and over I hear
    “you just don’t get it”
    the age of my appearance
    betrays the age of my soul
    and all the pain I have known
    with my life marred by secrecy
    the paths that I have walked
    are overgrown with vines
    hidden in disguise
    you only see the life I lead
    through the tiny sliver of light
    I allow to shine upon me
    you have missed the shadows
    that hold the scars
    not yet healed
    that keep invisible
    the demons that plague my life
    you don’t see me hiding in the corner
    injecting myself with the venom
    of my own self hatred
    you stand there willing to judge
    a life you know so little of

About me

I'm just an average graduated college student, nothing special or extraordinary. I work with amazing kids with difficult lives. My dream is to simply make a difference in a few lives and if I can do that, than I have done something worth while.
My poetry is all written by me. It is all driven by my personal experiences. I speak out in poetry because it's the only place I can and I speak for those who have not been able to find their voice yet.

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